Explore:: Thinking about perfect

I am nowhere near on time with this class, but it's ok - I'm giving myself permission to do it at my own speed.
This lesson was thinking about perfect - what makes it? I've had to rethink a lot of my ideas of perfection lately...and it's surprising how many ideas come from other people or their expectations. I don't know what perfect is any more, really, but I do know what makes me happy.

I know that if I am constantly looking for the perfect 'thing' that will make me happy...I will never enjoy what I have now. For me this is part of the balance between enjoying and appreciating life today, while still making thoughtful plans for the future. I am learning to enjoy every day and relish every moment and realise that it can be perfect for now.

Explore:: destinations

So, if the class I'm doing at the moment is about the adventure of life...what's my destination?

I always plan extensively for a holiday because to me that's part of the enjoyment, and I love the satisfaction of seeing everything on my list. But I'm not so much of a planner that I can't enjoy a spontaneous day trip or random detour. Too much planning can get in the way.

And so in life. I'd always poo-pooed people who planned their lives with goals and action lists. I thought it was too rigid, too inflexible, and you were inevitably going to fail and be disappointed. A few years ago, I realised that I was wrong. I think it's partly a scrapbooking thing...if I am recording my life now with all my hopes and dreams, then I'm holding my future self accountable. So if I want to be richer/more creative/more successful/living somewhere exotic, then I have to put the plans in place to make that happen.

Then of course, things happen. Life happens. Sometimes you can't do the things that you plan for and have to start new lists with goals that are more achieveable. When I was at my sickest, my daily plan was most often just 'get out of bed'. And there were days that I didn't manage that.

All these experiences have told me that it's good to plan, but it's good to be able to go with the flow. I'm enjoying the adventure of life, but I'm not focusing on a final destination. I don't think there'll ever be a day when I go 'that's it, I'm done'. I want to grow as a person and become all the things I promised myself I would be when I was sick...and that growth will never stop. I am a work in progress.

(All that aside, the place I most want to visit is America. I went there on my last big holiday before I was sick, and I dearly want to go again and do a proper road trip. It's in the plan.)

Exploring

A new class from my favourite instructor is just the thing to get me scrapbooking again.

Right now my desk should be covered in books, study guides and revision planners.
Instead there's a pile of papers and photos, and some finished pages of a new mini book that look something like this:

We're exploring, but it's not about going on holiday. Life is all an adventure, right?

I had an interesting conversation once with my psychologist at the hospital. It feels like there is a big expectation on people who survive cancer, especially ones who are younger than average, to make dramatic changes to our lives afterwards. Go travelling, change my career, find religion...something major.

What if I don't do anything?

That conversation made me realise two things:

One, that other people's expectations are irrelevant. I no longer give anyone the power to make me feel insecure about my choices or uncertain about my own abilities.

And two, that change does not have to happen overnight. I may well do things differently in my life because of what I've been through. But that doesn't mean I have to do those things tomorrow, either.

I've joked before about the fact that cancer has made me more self-centred, and this project is very much focused on me, my life and my journey. Right now, my challenge is balancing my renewed creativity with a busy work/study life. It's all part of the adventure.

Hey

Er, I seem to have missed June. What happened there?

There definitely hasn't been any creating, that's for sure. I've been studying like mad - only two assignments left until the exam now. Sitting on my desk are some new paints which are just dying to meet a canvas...I'm promising myself a crafty weekend.

In the meantime...I only took photos on three days in June. This was the prettiest.

More scrapbooking, more pink

So, this page was inspired by this sketch. And I totally have Shimelle's sketches to thank for getting me back into scrapbooking. I've done more pages over the last few weeks than I have done in years. Literally. Apparently, I find it easier when someone tells me what bits go where.

And apparently, I also really like pink. Because more than half of my pages have it on in some form or another - and that's usually bigger rather than smaller (just like this page). Which is strange, because I never thought of myself as a pink person. I like bold reds, and vibrant blues...but lately pink has been creeping in a lot more.

Some things, though, don't change: 'At 27 and 22, I think it's safe to say we're both grown ups now. I never used to believe people who said you don't feel any different as you get older, but I realise now it's true. I don't feel any different from when we were 17 and 12 - or even 7 and 2. You are still my baby sister, even if you are taller than me now. We still hang out together a lot, do things together, have fun, share our stuff and even occasionally wind each other up. Yes, we are grown ups and some things have changed. But really, we are no different now at all.'

Life right now:: May 2011

A scrapbook page with pictures of Morpheus, next to piles of paperwork waiting to be filed. Books are open for studying, but the computer is on and I'm probably on Facebook.
Beside me there are still boxes waiting to be unpacked, but if you went outside you would find a garden that has been thoroughly weeded and a freshly cut lawn.
Balance in all things.

Hoping for perfect

Slightly late in the season perhaps, but I love the blue/yellow combo in this picture. Also, I love the shallow depth of field which only serves to remind me that upgrading my camera is a definite must.

Which is a round-about way of saying...I had a hospital check up yesterday and the tumour markers are all clear. Yay. But there is something else which I am trying not to Google too much, but means I have to go back for another blood test in two weeks. Nobody is freaking out just yet (well, apart from when I do the Google thing) but obviously I would quite like those tests in two weeks to come back with perfect numbers in every box.

Pretty in pink

I do love pink but this seems very pink. But suitably gorgeous for my photos of my birthday night out last year. Pink cocktails, a party dress and some very high heeled shoes. Love it.

As a side note...as I am working through these photos from last year all I can notice is my hair. It was so short! Oh, how easy it was to look after. Perhaps I should cut it all off again....must resist, must resist!

In celebration of an ordinary week

In many ways, this week in early May was pretty ordinary. Work. Study. Housework. Shopping. Dinner with friends. Choir. Nothing unusual in any of that.

What was unusual was the fact that this was the first time in a long time that I have felt properly happy, relaxed and in control of my life. I had energy to do more than just survive the week. I was busy, productive and sociable. Nothing unusual, but it's been a long time coming.

When I was so sick, all I wanted was to get back to 'normal'. I think this might be it.

Straight lines please me

I really struggle with lines that aren't straight. I tried on this layout, truly I did...but it doesn't make me happy.

One of the greatest things about life lately is that I am finally figuring out what makes me happy. Not just a little bit happy, but properly-my-heart-feels-full-of-joy happy. It's taken 27 years, several jobs, numerous hobbies, heartbreak and a life-threatening illness - but finally I am beginning to get it. There are definitely no easy answers, but I am starting to see the light. And in the meantime this page will just have to do.

The story: Morpheus loves being up high and in interesting places - on top of doors and even in my shelves. 2009.

Reasons to be cheerful

After the excitement of this (yes I squealed!) I knew I was back. It feels fantastic to be creating again and doing things that are purely for fun. No deadline, no pressure, no task to meet...just doing something that makes me happy.

I have so many stories that I want to turn into scrapbook pages...it could be overwhelming but I don't feel that way any more. Instead, I just work with the photos that inspire me - either because they're beautiful, or because like these - they tell a story that just makes my heart glad.

The story: Gran loves reading, but it is hard to find books that are large print and still light enough for her to hold. Her new Kindle is amazing - it is lighter than the smallest paperback but allows you to enlarge the text to any size you want - so Gran can read really easily. This is what the 21st century is all about - technology to make your life easier. Gran has totally embraced it and I'm so pleased for her.

One is not Morpheus

This neighbourhood is full of cats. It's not unusual to have two or three circling my garden every evening. Yesterday I found a black cat that couldn't get back over the fence, and took several attempts to launch himself up and over to safety, with much scrabbling of claws.

Today the same black cat was sitting on the wall by the lilac bush. I promise you it's not Morpheus - he was standing beside me as I took the photo. When I caught him at the food bowl in the kitchen (!) he looked a lot more straggly than this, but in this pose he looks just like Morph. Unless....there is another black cat?

Scrapbooking with a sketch

It's been a while, but yesterday I saw this sketch and thought I'd give it a go. I am supposed to be a scrapbooker, after all.

I have lots of stories to scrapbook but it's been a while since I've been in the right frame of mind, what with one thing and another. And I still feel a little bit 'guilty' for playing with paper and glue when I should be studying, or doing something around the house. Not as guilty as I used to, though. If I have learned anything at all, it's that life is short and I need to do the things that make me happy. So I'm starting with this very pretty paper.

Loving this life

I am seriously loving this house. It's the first time I've ever had a garden that feels like part of the house - the back door opens straight onto it. It's only small and yes, the grass needs cutting. But it's been totally worth it these last few days as I come home, open the door, let Morph out to play and enjoy the evening sunshine while I cook dinner.



This tree is totally gorgeous and I don't even have to look after it - it belongs to next door. Despite living in the centre of town, my garden isn't overlooked at all and I hardly even hear my neighbours. There is a family one side and an elderly couple the other - very similar to my last house. The difference is that no-one here seems to be trying to kill each other.



Having to move house was really hard - stressful and exhausting both physically and mentally. At the same time, though, I sort of knew that it was for the best. I was leaving a house that was full of memories of being ill, and moving somewhere new just as I start on a new life as a 'well person' not a 'sick person'. As it turns out, it was the best thing that could have happened. This house is nicer, newer, better laid out and more comfortable.



I hate it when people say 'everything happens for a reason'. I don't believe that. But I do believe that you can make the best of what you're given, and sometimes the opportunities you weren't expecting turn out to be the best of all.



It would be too easy for everything to turn out perfectly just like that. There are still some changes happening and most of them are out of my control. For once, they're not even all health-related. Weirdly though, I don't feel worried any more. The sense of rising panic that I have experienced so much over the last months has gone, and I am feeling much more peaceful. I am learning to live in this moment and enjoy it, and it feels good.

Yes, it does.

A summer knit

This yarn is just absolutely gorgeous. I had been indecisive about what to make for a while - I really wanted to crochet something but I just couldn't find a pattern. Then Mindy took a delivery of this, and the patterns to match, and I knew it was the 'one'. I haven't knitted for ages, not since about 2009, in fact. Complicated patterns scare me, so unless it's labelled an 'easy knit' I'm not really interested. Fortunately, this yarn is self-striping so I don't need to do any complicated stitches, just knit & purl and let the yarn do all the work. Isn't it gorgeous?

Well, when I say the yarn does all the work...the pattern I chose has rows of over 300 stitches, which is not exactly easy. But, as it's knitted all in one piece, at least I won't have too much sewing up to do. It's still a work-in-progress, as I need to sew two seams and knit the edging. I have a sad history of unfinished knitted pieces, which is why I was a bit wary of sharing this in case in never makes it out of the basket...but it's looking hopeful that it will be wearable soon.

My boy Morpheus

Morpheus clearly disapproves of my studying, because he likes to sit on my books.

When he isn't on the table, he is sat on the arm of my chair, or on the floor by my feet. At the moment, he likes to sleep under the bed, so as I am falling asleep I hear little snuffles underneath my head. When I'm not around, I think he spend most of his day asleep on top of the wardrobe.

He is wonderful company. I never thought he would be a 'lap cat', but his personality completely changed as soon as it was just him and me in the house. He is friendly, sociable, snuggly and ever-so-slightly possessive of me. He likes attention and company. He makes me get up in the morning to feed him, and he knows just how to meow pathetically to make me give him a treat. He is quite possibly the most spoiled cat I know. He is also, I realised yesterday, absolutely huge! Life right now feels like a lot of late nights, deadlines and extra pressure. I'm looking forward to some quality time off that doesn't involve any medical procedures, at Easter. Until then...I think Morpheus has the right idea.

Life right now

A life with a world of possibilities, and a ray of sunlight to guide my path.

Holding my place

It's never a good idea to start a blog post without an idea of where it's going. I've started this post half a dozen times and deleted each one.

As a show-and-tell, this is pretty poor. I don't have any projects to share because I haven't made anything. There are a few works-in-progress but I don't like to show off until I've finished. I don't have any photos to share because the camera has run out of battery and I haven't unpacked the charger yet. (The photo above is from last year.)

I would blame my studying, but I am behind with that as well. This blog post is mostly just to hold my place, prove I'm still alive, and hopefully promise better things to come.

Settling in

Moving house was infinitely more stressful than I was prepared for, but it's finally done and three weeks after moving in we are beginning to feel settled...this is a good home for Morpheus and for me.

I had a lot of lovely helpers who made the whole thing possible. 'Thank you' isn't really enough but it will have to do for now. They did all the lifting, carrying, moving, hauling, fixing and other things that I'm not supposed to do, but are kind of essential when you are moving every single thing you own.

All the furniture is in place and now I just need to keep going with all the boxes. I've reached that horrible stage where I've unpacked enough to live on a day-to-day basis, but not enough to actually consider myself finished. In my last house (and the one before, actually) that lasted about two years. I have high hopes that this time it's going to be different. Don't laugh.

I kept Morpheus in for three weeks and had dreams of turning him into a house cat....it was never going to work. Despite spending a small fortune on cat toys and things to keep him entertained, yesterday I had to give in and open the door for him. He lasted about ten minutes before he came in, and this morning he wouldn't go out at all because it was raining. Spoilt?

I am not dead, just buried (under a sea of boxes)

I had to move a tower of boxes to even get to my computer to write this.

I get the keys to my new house on Friday. I am alternately excited, and terrified. I am looking forward to living in a new house (open plan! bigger kitchen! brand new refurb!) but despite the best efforts of the people who helped me clean and pack today I am still worried (not enough boxes/too much stuff, co-ordinating everything).

Moving will be good for me. I'd just rather not have to do it. All my craft stuff is packed away and I should probably have packed the computer as well by now. Oh, and as I am back to work full-time now I am finding out how to push my body through previously undiscovered levels of tiredness.

Somehow, I just have to make it through this week. Then I get four days before my Open University course starts. Did someone say 2011 was going to be easier?