Monday, October 04, 2010
I only bake when I'm in a good mood
This is not what I thought I'd be posting. But for once, it's in a good way.
Last week I went to hospital for my third chemo session. I had done all my usual preparations (which means staying up late, sorting out paperwork and tidying up) and mentally braced myself for it. I took my bag of things to do (chemo takes around 5 hours, and there's not a lot to keep you occupied otherwise) and Mum came with me as per usual.
I might have told you that my last session was awful? And I may have mentioned the depression, the sleeplessness, the sickness/nausea and the intense stomach pains? So you can imagine that I wasn't particularly looking forward to this. Neither was Mum - she has to look after me through it all. But we went along anyway, because that's what you do...the doctors tell you what they think should happen and you just go along with it. It's all very well saying it's my decision whether to continue or not, but who am I to argue with an oncologist? 11 months of cancer experience might make me an expert on ME but it doesn't mean I know what treatment I need.
My doctor had been very keen for me to have this post-op chemo as a preventative measure. So the very last thing I expected him to say was that he thought I could stop now. I think he could tell that I was slightly stunned, so he even made the decision for me. Because it made me so ill, more chemo would do more harm than good.
So that's it. Officially. No more active treatment for now. I still have to go for regular checkups, and I do have some more surgery to come. But I think this is where I start referring to cancer in the past tense: I had it, I don't have it any more.
It doesn't feel real, and I have a lot of mixed emotions that are too complicated to write about yet. I am not celebrating, because I have a long way to go. I am just keeping everything crossed and hoping as hard as I can that this means I can start to put my life back together. Starting with baking on Sunday afternoons.
The cupcakes above are from an issue of My Weekly that I rescued from Gran's recycling pile.