With love at Christmas

Merry Christmas to you all. Thank you for sharing my life on this blog.

He helps

Morpheus loves to sit and watch me as I'm working. If I'm not careful, he sneaks on to the table and will sit on whatever I happen to be gluing or colouring. So I have to keep an eye on him.

Traditions at Christmas

As we grow up, families change, and somehow old traditions aren't quite the same any more. Christmas is a hard time for us all but this year we have been doing a few more things that I hope will become traditions - like baking.

Whoopsie

How could I forget? I know I am posting my pages way behind schedule, but I can't believe I left this one out.

I think I was saving it for a special post all of its own. Because I'm pretty pleased with this self-portrait illustration. Not a bad representation (and in fact it's exactly what I am wearing right now). Last year's self-portrait page was quite miserable, really, so it's lovely to do something positive.

Journalling Christmas

Behind the scenes, I've been working away on my Christmas journal. I've never done a book in this format before and I really love it. The space for writing is just about the right size, and I'm finding that as I go on, I'm getting more and more creative with the pages. It's also giving me the chance to practice a few techniques that I might not use on a normal scrapbook page.

Day 5: counting down. Mindy bought me an advent calendar! What a sweetie.

Day 6: I'm pretty sure that last year I moaned about moving house at this time of year, as well. It's not my fault! But every move I've ever made has been in either November, December or January. Last year felt like a real anti-Christmas because I couldn't be bothered to decorate a house I was leaving. This year, I feel much more 'at home' and have really enjoyed making my house beautiful for the season.

Day 7: Traditionally a day for creating a to-do list of all the things that still have to be done before the big day. But yes, this year I'm feeling pretty smug. Because I thought I was going to be either in hospital or recuperating from my surgery, I made sure that I had done almost everything before I went in (yes that was pretty stressful). So when the surgery turned out to be much easier than I was expecting, and the stay in hospital much shorter than I was dreading, it meant I got to come home and relax because pretty much everything is done.

I'm using a mix of hand lettering and stickers in this journal, whatever I feel like at the time. I used to do lots of calligraphy and hand-drawn letters (anyone who went to middle school with me will remember the lessons in how to draw perfect bubble letters). I think my discovery of scrapbooking products and the multitude of stamps, letter stickers and chipboard alphabets made me feel that my lettering wasn't quite up to scratch. I like how it works in this journal, though, and it's great to have a space to play.

Just like that, it was gone

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I had been preparing for my fourth surgery on 1 December. Was that really two and a half weeks ago?

My first surgery was on 20 December 2009. I had been admitted as an emergency after the tumour that was almost completely blocking my bowel decided to finish the job, and block it completely. There are no words that can tell you how much pain I was in at this time. It was painful to eat, to move, to do anything...excruciating pain that left me doubled up in pain and in tears. I had been in so much pain for the previous few months, and this felt like the peak of agony. I was expecting to have an ileostomy when they did the main surgery to remove my tumour, but that wasn't planned for another six months. When the surgeon suggested doing the ileostomy early, to give me a chance to get through the chemotherapy and to give my bowel a rest, my first reaction was relief. At last.


The surgery did not go well, and the surgeons had to do it again. 2009 was the Christmas I spent in hospital. Having something like an ileostomy is so strange that it is very hard to know how to deal with it mentally. It had been explained to me beforehand, but it wasn't until the nurse came round to mark my tummy that I fully understood what it was - and I was horrified. A piece of my bowel poking out of my tummy? Could it be any worse?

And yet...despite the mental somersaults required to get my head around this...my biggest feeling was relief. The relief of being able to eat. The relief of not being in constant pain. The relief of not spending all my time being sick. Throughout the chemotherapy that followed, and the radiotherapy after that...I could only be grateful for what I had, rather than hating my stoma for what it was. Since then, I think I've coped pretty well with life as an ostomist. You see, I even got a label. There are societies and online forums full of people to talk to. I got a special nurse at the hospital. I got into a routine with washing/changing my bag, I found things I was comfortable to wear, and discovered that I could eat pretty much anything without any problems.

Two and a half weeks ago, I went back to hospital to have my ileostomy closed. This was my third date for surgery, but the first time I felt even able to do it. No-one was able to tell me what it would be like - 'every patient is different'. I was very scared, and perfectly willing to live with a stoma for the rest of my life. Why change something that works, right? The thing that changed my mind, ultimately, was that I developed a hernia around my stoma, which was starting to cause a lot of painful problems. The surgery would fix that as well...so I might as well go for it and try the closure. If it really didn't work, my surgeon promised he would give me an ileostomy again.

After having something for two years, it is very hard to adjust to it being gone. I keep stroking my tummy to check - and remembering that it's gone. Every time I go to the bathroom, I go to empty the bag - and then remember that it's gone. It is a very strange feeling. I have had two years of fighting cancer, and my stoma was in some ways a label, a badge of courage. Proof of what I have been through and the effect it has had on my life. Losing it in some ways feels a little bit like being cut adrift. I am not fighting cancer any more. I am living a life after cancer. I spent two years waiting for this moment and now that I'm here - I hardly know what to do.

More to say than I realised

This journal is just under 6x8 inches, and when I got it I wondered if I'd have enough to say to fill in each page.

To get me started (and because I hate a blank book) I went through and painted some borders and backgrounds on some of the pages. Not having a definite 'plan' makes me slightly nervous, so if I can just go for it and get something on the page it makes me feel better. Even if I cover it up with paper later.

We haven't had any snow this year - yet. This time last year everywhere was white, but we've had an unusually mild winter so far. The cold has kicked in now, though - I've even had to put the winter duvet on the bed.

Last year, I made my Christmas cards and everyone was suitably impressed. The thing with that was - I made them before I went back to work. This year, I knew I would be back at work full time (although I didn't know I would be going for surgery) so I went shopping in the January sales and bought some lovely cards to use instead. Then I volunteered to help with making the cards that Gran will be sending. Colouring, cuttting, sticking....card making is not my favourite thing to do. My friends will still be getting the shop-bought cards!

When I went slap-happy with the paint, I didn't do every page. This is one of the ones I left, and I just trimmed some paper to make a border top and bottom, and added one of the toppers I've used on Gran's cards. I don't think I need to worry about not having enough to write!

Catching up

How many years does it take before something becomes a tradition?

I first did Journal Your Christmas in 2007, and it's strange to look at all the changes in my life since then. Last year's album is pretty special, and is currently sitting on the table beside me. Fun to flick through.

I wasn't sure if I would manage it this year. The last few weeks have been quite hectic as I prepared for my fourth (and hopefully final) bout of surgery on 1 December. The surgery went really well, and I was home much quicker than I expected to be. I now have a few weeks off work to recover, so I guess I have no excuse for not doing another Christmas journal, right?

This year I decided to do a sort-of art journal - no photos, just writing and drawing and maybe some illustrations if I felt like it. I chose a simple sketchbook, grabbed a few scraps of Christmas paper, and now I'm catching up. It feels really special to be facing the season on my way to completely full health. It's been a long time coming.

Ah, that's better

Surprisingly hard to photograph (isn't everything at 8am?)

I am 23 rows in and loving the colour combinations here. And the more I do, the more snuggly it is across my lap. Perfect.

Work in progress

I have come to a sort-of conclusion that maybe knitting is not for me. I love it, I really do - but nothing I have made this year has turned out right at all. It's very disheartening.

Crochet, on the other hand, is much better. It grows quickly and in the blanket pattern I'm using I only have to count up to four, and even I can manage that.

So why, in my little pile of works-in-progress, do I have two knitting and two crochet?
The knitting is down to sizing issues. Neither of those pieces are finished and I already know one is going to be too big and the other too small. I am too close to the end to give up completely, but my motivation for finishing them is distinctly lacking at the moment.
The crochet is all down to colour. There is some incredible inspiration on the internet, and when it comes to choosing my own colour combinations I get overwhelmed and then keep second-guessing myself. These are the remains of two blankets that I started, decided I didn't like, and have left in the pile because I couldn't bear to frog them all.

The good news is that I have started a third blanket. I finally decided that I had to STOP looking at other people's work, pick my colours from my stash and stop buying more yarn, make a plan and get on with it. And remember that the 'look' of the blanket changes with each row...I've just done two rows in purple, but the overall look will not be very purple at all. I've done about 16 colours so far (two rows of each) and without wanting to tempt fate, it's coming along nicely. Fingers crossed this one might actually progress to being a finished item.

28

I must apologise for a distinct lack of creative activity. If you know me at all, you'll know that there are definite cycles to my life. One thing will become all-consuming, and then something else will take over. Which is fine when it's crafting, because that's easy to blog about. When it's studying, writing essays and revising for an exam....not so photogenic.

Today seems like a good day to start posting again - it is, after all, my birthday. I have this weird fondness for even numbers, so 28 feels pretty good. I would say something about being nearer 30 than 20, but I have a feeling none of my over-30 friends would appreciate it.

So what has happened since my last post?

After a long summer of studying, approximately 10,000 words written in essays, and three-hour-stinker of an exam, I have completed my Open University course. I won't get the result until early December, so I am hanging on to my revision notes in case I have to re-sit. I hope not! I'm taking a break from official studying, but am now starting preparatory reading for my next course, and also the one after that. The path to my degree is a long one, and I'm not even halfway there yet, but I am determined to make my way through.

Having something else to focus on helps when work is tough. And the last few months have been testing, to say the least. I never thought work could make me feel so emotional but it has, and it's been a challenge to keep things in perspective. For so long while I was off sick, getting back to work was my main goal. I have had to keep reminding myself that 'restructuring' is not the worst thing I have ever been through, but at times it has certainly felt like it. As of next week, I will be in a new role in a new team, and I'm starting to feel excited about the challenges ahead.

And as if that wasn't enough - I thought I'd add to the mix by getting a date for my final surgery. It's going to be before Christmas, so I should be back home and recovering by the time Santa visits. (If you are at all squeamish, I probably wouldn't bother with that link, ok?) Having a date gives me a deadline to do various jobs around the house, otherwise I will spend my recovery time lying on the sofa getting annoyed. So far, this has mostly involved making Mum put up some curtains, but that's made a big difference and now I can move on to the easy projects. Thanks Mum!

And creatively? Well, as the weather has got colder I've got the knitting out again, and I am hoping to have some finished projects soon. I've managed to reclaim my desk from my books, so I intend to do some scrapbooking and cardmaking, just as soon as I get the hang of having free time that doesn't involve revision. I also got a lovely crafty package for my birthday today, so I'm looking forward to sticking, colouring, and generally making things. In between all this I managed a trip to London with Mindy, so I have even more photos to add the albums now.

If this all sounds busy...well, it is. Life is busy, and full, and beautiful. I am thankful for every moment, and I try to appreciate it all. I am so very lucky, and I know it.

First time for everything

I have been blogging since 2007 and yet I've never taken part in a blog-hop before.
It's about time to put that right, don't you think?

I discovered the delicious Miss Smith through a competition on UKScrappers and I was instantly drawn to her quirky style and distinctive journalling. I've been a fan ever since, so when she offered a giveaway with a difference, I think I waited approximately 30 seconds before emailing to sign up.



In the midst of some hideous work stuff and incredibly intense study, it's been good to have something crafty to focus on. And with so much change going on in my life, it seemed like a good time to do a review of life right now. (Also, I love this photo).



So, the embellishment is part of the blog-hop...but in honour of Miss Smith herself, and because it was her style that drew me to her blog in the first place, I thought I'd take a bit of scrapbooking inspiration as well. So, ledger paper, lots of journalling...and a picture of a cup of tea. And then, my banner was inspired by Sian, who is also blog-hopping today.

If you are taking the tour, then please visit the next sweet blogger on the list, who is the lovely Joanne. There are so many wonderfully talented people taking part today, I hope you can visit them all.

Summer days, drifting away

Where did summer go? Apart from being officially the coldest summer for years, it just seems to have flown by. There are still occasional moments of sunshine but there is a definite autumnal chill in the air now.


We made the most of the bank holiday weekend by enjoying a free concert in a local park...just a shame we had to huddle under the picnic blanket for warmth!


I am working towards my final assignment for this Open University course, and then all of a sudden it'll be time for the exam. It feels like it's flown past but I have really struggled with motivation for this last module. My life is full of so many things at the moment that I really can't give the course the attention that it deserves, but I know it's only temporary. I'll take a few months off over the winter and start my next course in February. This time I'll read the books in advance...(I'm pretty sure that's what I said last time!)


Crafting action is briefly on hold, but you can check out my latest scrapbbook page on the shop blog and of course - it's September! Which means this class  runs again, and I am an old hand at it by now. Last year's journal chronicled an incredibly difficult time in my life, and I am looking forward to noticing just how different things are now.

Highly productive

It's been a highly productive weekend of scrapbooking, and I'm thrilled to have got so many pages done for last year's holiday album.

I'm pleased to have used so many photos on each page (three!) and to have told so many stories. There are some great memories here.

(Also, that begonia? I bought one for Gran at the same time I got this one, and it's the only thing ever that I've kept alive longer than she has. It is clearly thriving on my gentle neglect. And probably worthy of a scrapbook page in itself.)

Proud to be a scrapbooker

The online crop this weekend started with a note from Shimelle about being proud to scrapbook.

Funnily enough, yesterday I was in the shop and noticed an old page of mine on the wall called 'Why I scrap'. I think it must have been from around 2007, shortly after I began scrapbooking, and it was full of the stock answers you might expect about taking photos and telling my story and liking pretty papers.

In a way, none of that has changed. I still love taking photographs (and hopefully improving all the time), and I still love pretty papers (although I make more of an effort now to actually cut them up and use them). And I still want to tell my story in my pages.

Some things have changed, though. I used to tell people about scrapbooking slightly apologetically "...I spend my spare time putting my photos in albums with pretty paper". As though I knew I should be doing something more important with my time, like oh, watching reality TV? Or that it was silly to want to preserve my stories, because it's not like I've climbed Everest or done anything truly amazing. But as I've been looking back at some older pages, I've realised just how important this hobby is. There are people in my scrapbooks who aren't in my life now, for a variety of reasons. Some of them I wish I'd scrapbooked more. Some of them I wish I'd used cheaper products on. And actually my life is amazing. My adventures might not be ones that everyone would choose, but they are mine and the story of how I've come through them is something I am very proud of.

Since I made my first scrapbook pages in 2006, I have changed and grown so much and really the only way that is recorded is through my photos and scrapbook pages. Lots of people scrapbook their children and their growth, but we don't stop changing as we grow up. It just becomes more subtle, and about personality and character, not how tall we are or class projects (although I still scrapbook my studying, because it's a massive part of my life). And amongst all the really hard parts of growth, there have been some amazing things that I don't want to forget, either.

If I did that 'Why I scrap' page again (and I think I just might), some of the reasons would be the same. But ultimately, I scrapbook because I love my life and I want to record it for when I'm old and forgetful. And that's why I am proud to be a scrapbooker.

Last year's holiday

Last year's holiday means this year's scrapbook pages. I never do these things quickly, you know.

I'm currently trying to take part in an online crop (I say trying, because I'm not keeping up terribly well so far!) and this is my first page of the weekend. That hot pink paint is amazing!

Simple inspiration

Remember this page from yesterday?


I had a lovely message to ask if I'd be happy to be the 'Inspiration du jour' on Craft Gossip. But of course!

Old photos, new page

These photos are from 2009, but I'm working on telling some older stories in my albums at the moment. As I was doing this, I wondered why my pages about Gran were always more flowery than my other pages, but then I realised that's probably not true. It just feels that way. I think it's that sparkly flower border and the glittery letters...there is an overload of pretty on this page.
It is definitely a contrast from the other page I created yesterday...

Hard at work

One of the reasons I haven't been able to do as much creating as I would like of late, is because I've been doing work of a different sort.

I resumed my studies with the Open University in February, after having to cancel my last course after I was diagnosed. It hasn't been easy - moving house, going back to work full time and rebuilding my life have been hard enough without intensive study (I think I'm supposed to aim for around 16-20 hours a week, although I rarely manage that!) There have definitely been moments when I've questioned why I am doing this and doubted my ability to cope. Fortunately, with a lot of support and encouragement I have managed to persevere, and now I have one just one assignment and a three-hour exam left. I am finally beginning to enjoy it and have renewed determination to continue and get the degree I am aiming for.

And today, I received the mark for assignment 6 out of 7 - another Pass 1. So pleased :)

Everyday stories

Scrapbooking is not happening as fast as I would like at the moment. There are so many things going on, and I'm working to some pretty tight schedules.

When I do get a minute to put some photos and paper together, I'm trying to tell the everyday stories of my life. Getting in to a routine with shopping, cooking and eating has really helped me to stay on top of everything else. Eating well is part of my recovery plan, and being organised about it has made it so much easier.

I am still trying to get away from lots of straight lines and create pages that are more 'artsy'. This one even has paint!