Whoops, I did it again

I know, I know.

I said I would keep up with this thing, and look at me now.

Sorry.

The last few months have been harder than expected....now there's an understatement. It's taken me far too long to realise that I push myself way too hard. Work/study/craft/play/music/life....I can't believe that I am still learning that I don't have to fill every minute of every day to make life worthwhile. Something had to give, and this time it was my OU course. I cried for about three days solid. 

But. It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Suddenly, I have time to do all the other things I wanted to do. And it's amazing how much crafting you can get done when you don't have to spend 16 hours a week studying Shakespeare.

Yes, these are crafty projects including a cross-stitch first started in 2001. There's a story in that, and I'll tell you another time. There has also been knitting, crochet, and many things involving paper and paint. And, for the first time in about a year and a half, today I played the piano. 

My list of goals for 2012 has been radically revised....but only in terms of timescale. I will keep reminding myself that it is ok to take things slowly. To be selfish in what I do and how I spend my time. I will get there in the end, but the joy is in the journey.

Current obsessions - nail varnish

Oh Pinterest, it's all your fault. I started following a few boards with nail designs on, then I subscribed to a few blogs, and before I knew it my nail varnish collection was out of control. How many colours does a girl need? Over 55, apparently. (I keep finding them in unlikely places, plus a I still need a white.) Then Mindy introduced me to quick-drying top coats. How did I never discover these before? I'm currently using a Sally Hansen version but apparently Seche Vite is the nail blogger's choice.  

There is a whole world out there of some amazing art and I am only at the beginning, that's for sure. There are stamps and transfers and designs you can paint on...but in the meantime it's amazing what you can do with some sellotape. Paint your base coat, wait till it's properly dry (even the insta-dry stuff takes a few minutes) then place tape to mask off a section of your nail. Paint on the contrasting colour, and peel the tape off immediately. Use a quick-dry top coat to even it all out and there you go. There are much more detailed tutorials out there, but that's the idea.

It is occasionally amusing to think back to my old self - the one who wore baggy jeans and polo shirts, who used makeup as a mask and didn't really know what to do with nail varnish, and would definitely never have put two colours together. I can't believe it's taken me this long, but it feels good. And I guess I have the internet to thank for it.

Goodbye February

If you asked me, I would tell you that February was a really hard month. That it was grey and blah and I was glad to see the back of it.

But if I really think, February wasn't all bad. It's a month of birthdays - three special girls means several parties. And parties are always good.

And despite feeling as though I have had no time at all to be creative, the pictures I have taken of my scrapbook pages tell a different story. Apparently I did make stuff.

And actually, despite the grey and blah that definitely floated around, there was a lot of sunshine too. (I told you these yellow roses would pop up again).

So maybe February wasn't so bad after all. I am still, however, very glad to welcome March. Hello Spring!

Yellow roses

You'd think this an everlasting bunch of yellow roses...but no, this and the page from my last post were taken on the same day, that's all. You'll get confused if I use another photo from the same set in December, I tell you.

I feel sort of guilty that I don't blog more often, because I made the commitment to come back and I like that this is a diary of my crafty life. But I feel guilty every time I pick up a piece of paper at the moment, because I know there are other, more important things that I should be doing. And studying is only one of those things.

Whenever I write a blog post I look back at my old posts to make sure I'm not repeating myself. There are definitely some common themes, and finding the balance in my life is one of them. Even before I was ill I struggled to balance duty with pleasure, and fun with responsibility. These days I have to factor in health, and energy, and a lot more emotion than I ever had to juggle before. I thought that when I returned to work last year I had cracked the whole 'life after cancer' thing. Now I think that the universe was probably having a good laugh at me then. There is definitely no easy solution, just a lot of hard work.

But life isn't all bad; I bought some new roses today. And despite feeling guilty, I am still picking up the paper and creating pages that make me smile.

Working it out

Sometimes it's hard to fit everything in.

In the second month of 2012, I am very aware of my super-long list of goals for the year, and how much I have to do to achieve them. I was doing really well and feeling really motivated, and then I went back to work full-time.

Obviously I am pleased to be healthy enough to be back at work, blah blah, but really - it gets in the way of everything else I want to do.

Like scrapbooking. And studying. And occasionally combining the two as you can see in the page above. I realised that something which is supposed to take 20 hours of my week (in reality, of course it doesn't) should probably feature in my albums occasionally. For example - remind me again why I am doing this?! I think I will be re-reading this page a lot in the weeks to come. (And yes, it's Shakespeare, so you have to allow me this title just once, ok?)

I am still working out the patterns in my life that will give me the time to do all I want to in a week without feeling exhausted by Wednesday afternoon. Bear with me :)

Procrastinating

I put a lot of things off.

Right now, it is that I should be opening the books to start my course. Instead, I have managed to do all kinds of things that really didn't need doing right now, but were preferable to thinking about Shakespeare. Including my financial paperwork. It must be bad.

This layout took me a week. I am not kidding. I started with three different backgrounds, and even got as far as sticking the photos down. Then I decided I didn't like it and I tore it apart, and I never do that.  I always try and make it work but it really wasn't happening. Then I saw this starting point from Shimelle, and suddenly it all came together. In my quest to use more 'stuff' on my pages, I have used no less than five layers and a whole load of embellishments (stickers! foam pads! paint spatters!) I think the plain background keeps it together, though. And for all that this page took me forever - I really, really love it.

Busy busy busy

I'm making the most of these last few days I return to work. There's so much that I want to do, and it's only now that I have any kind of enthusiasm to do it. Once I go back to the office, I think my biggest worry will be: how on earth am I going to do it all?

Seven years of scrapbooking

I don't know the exact date, but I do know that I have a file of photos on my computer which are images of most of my scrapbook pages. And 2012 is my seventh file. 

I had a clear out yesterday and threw out some half-used sheets of stickers that I'm pretty sure were among the first things I bought. In the spirit of my last post, I should probably work on using some of that stuff, right?

Get it done

I sometimes wonder if other people see me how I see myself. I like to think I come across as super-confident but in reality I doubt myself and everything I do all.the.time. I like to think I hide it, but you can probably tell. One thing I know for sure is that I am rubbish at hiding things.

This year I will stop worrying, stop over-thinking, stop comparing and just DO IT. This mostly applies to creative projects but should really cover everything in my life.

2012 is the year of getting it done.

(This scrapbook page makes sense if you knew how many times I had rearranged the papers and moved the embellishments around. Enough!)

Sidetracked

I can never work on one thing at a time. My last crochet project was going really well, and then I had some sudden inspiration for a new colour pattern and got sidetracked. This one is much more spring-like, with pretty pastel colours and a splash of hot pink and aqua. Also, a lot of white. It's the same ripple pattern but the colours make it look completely different. 

This blanket is also whizzing along, but I hope I manage to finish it before I start something else!

One step at a time

2011 wasn't a bad year, was it. Lots of happy times, good memories, achievements at work and in my personal life, lots of milestones on the road to good health.

I didn't really make resolutions for 2011. Instead of making vague aims like 'be more creative' I had specific goals I wanted to reach, and things I wanted to do. I'm very proud of myself that I managed to complete almost everything I wanted to, and a few other things besides.

And 2012? I find that I am more interested in setting goals than ever before. I used to swear that setting goals was merely a step on the inevitable road to disappointment. After all, if I set a goal and then don't achieve it, I'll be disappointed, right? And nobody wants that. Boo-freaking-hoo.

OMG was I wrong.

It started when I did a course at work that focused a lot on personal goal-setting and making five-year plans.    Brilliant - I had my life planned out. Then cancer came along and screwed all that up. Suddenly my daily goals were mostly about getting up and getting dressed, and I was too scared to think about anything more long-term than my next hospital appointment. And I realised that plans are good, but flexibility is essential. So now, I have long-term goals, and short-term goals, and things I want to do tomorrow...and they all sort of link together in a giant mental map that is my life. But I hope that it might be like one of those magic maps in Harry Potter, and every so often something new will appear.

I am still working on what these goals mean for 2012. There will definitely be some more studying, and more creativity. I hope that there will be more travel and more adventure. I'm pretty certain there are going to be lots of changes. And it's down to me to make that happen.

With love at Christmas

Merry Christmas to you all. Thank you for sharing my life on this blog.

He helps

Morpheus loves to sit and watch me as I'm working. If I'm not careful, he sneaks on to the table and will sit on whatever I happen to be gluing or colouring. So I have to keep an eye on him.

Traditions at Christmas

As we grow up, families change, and somehow old traditions aren't quite the same any more. Christmas is a hard time for us all but this year we have been doing a few more things that I hope will become traditions - like baking.

Whoopsie

How could I forget? I know I am posting my pages way behind schedule, but I can't believe I left this one out.

I think I was saving it for a special post all of its own. Because I'm pretty pleased with this self-portrait illustration. Not a bad representation (and in fact it's exactly what I am wearing right now). Last year's self-portrait page was quite miserable, really, so it's lovely to do something positive.

Journalling Christmas

Behind the scenes, I've been working away on my Christmas journal. I've never done a book in this format before and I really love it. The space for writing is just about the right size, and I'm finding that as I go on, I'm getting more and more creative with the pages. It's also giving me the chance to practice a few techniques that I might not use on a normal scrapbook page.

Day 5: counting down. Mindy bought me an advent calendar! What a sweetie.

Day 6: I'm pretty sure that last year I moaned about moving house at this time of year, as well. It's not my fault! But every move I've ever made has been in either November, December or January. Last year felt like a real anti-Christmas because I couldn't be bothered to decorate a house I was leaving. This year, I feel much more 'at home' and have really enjoyed making my house beautiful for the season.

Day 7: Traditionally a day for creating a to-do list of all the things that still have to be done before the big day. But yes, this year I'm feeling pretty smug. Because I thought I was going to be either in hospital or recuperating from my surgery, I made sure that I had done almost everything before I went in (yes that was pretty stressful). So when the surgery turned out to be much easier than I was expecting, and the stay in hospital much shorter than I was dreading, it meant I got to come home and relax because pretty much everything is done.

I'm using a mix of hand lettering and stickers in this journal, whatever I feel like at the time. I used to do lots of calligraphy and hand-drawn letters (anyone who went to middle school with me will remember the lessons in how to draw perfect bubble letters). I think my discovery of scrapbooking products and the multitude of stamps, letter stickers and chipboard alphabets made me feel that my lettering wasn't quite up to scratch. I like how it works in this journal, though, and it's great to have a space to play.

Just like that, it was gone

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I had been preparing for my fourth surgery on 1 December. Was that really two and a half weeks ago?

My first surgery was on 20 December 2009. I had been admitted as an emergency after the tumour that was almost completely blocking my bowel decided to finish the job, and block it completely. There are no words that can tell you how much pain I was in at this time. It was painful to eat, to move, to do anything...excruciating pain that left me doubled up in pain and in tears. I had been in so much pain for the previous few months, and this felt like the peak of agony. I was expecting to have an ileostomy when they did the main surgery to remove my tumour, but that wasn't planned for another six months. When the surgeon suggested doing the ileostomy early, to give me a chance to get through the chemotherapy and to give my bowel a rest, my first reaction was relief. At last.


The surgery did not go well, and the surgeons had to do it again. 2009 was the Christmas I spent in hospital. Having something like an ileostomy is so strange that it is very hard to know how to deal with it mentally. It had been explained to me beforehand, but it wasn't until the nurse came round to mark my tummy that I fully understood what it was - and I was horrified. A piece of my bowel poking out of my tummy? Could it be any worse?

And yet...despite the mental somersaults required to get my head around this...my biggest feeling was relief. The relief of being able to eat. The relief of not being in constant pain. The relief of not spending all my time being sick. Throughout the chemotherapy that followed, and the radiotherapy after that...I could only be grateful for what I had, rather than hating my stoma for what it was. Since then, I think I've coped pretty well with life as an ostomist. You see, I even got a label. There are societies and online forums full of people to talk to. I got a special nurse at the hospital. I got into a routine with washing/changing my bag, I found things I was comfortable to wear, and discovered that I could eat pretty much anything without any problems.

Two and a half weeks ago, I went back to hospital to have my ileostomy closed. This was my third date for surgery, but the first time I felt even able to do it. No-one was able to tell me what it would be like - 'every patient is different'. I was very scared, and perfectly willing to live with a stoma for the rest of my life. Why change something that works, right? The thing that changed my mind, ultimately, was that I developed a hernia around my stoma, which was starting to cause a lot of painful problems. The surgery would fix that as well...so I might as well go for it and try the closure. If it really didn't work, my surgeon promised he would give me an ileostomy again.

After having something for two years, it is very hard to adjust to it being gone. I keep stroking my tummy to check - and remembering that it's gone. Every time I go to the bathroom, I go to empty the bag - and then remember that it's gone. It is a very strange feeling. I have had two years of fighting cancer, and my stoma was in some ways a label, a badge of courage. Proof of what I have been through and the effect it has had on my life. Losing it in some ways feels a little bit like being cut adrift. I am not fighting cancer any more. I am living a life after cancer. I spent two years waiting for this moment and now that I'm here - I hardly know what to do.

More to say than I realised

This journal is just under 6x8 inches, and when I got it I wondered if I'd have enough to say to fill in each page.

To get me started (and because I hate a blank book) I went through and painted some borders and backgrounds on some of the pages. Not having a definite 'plan' makes me slightly nervous, so if I can just go for it and get something on the page it makes me feel better. Even if I cover it up with paper later.

We haven't had any snow this year - yet. This time last year everywhere was white, but we've had an unusually mild winter so far. The cold has kicked in now, though - I've even had to put the winter duvet on the bed.

Last year, I made my Christmas cards and everyone was suitably impressed. The thing with that was - I made them before I went back to work. This year, I knew I would be back at work full time (although I didn't know I would be going for surgery) so I went shopping in the January sales and bought some lovely cards to use instead. Then I volunteered to help with making the cards that Gran will be sending. Colouring, cuttting, sticking....card making is not my favourite thing to do. My friends will still be getting the shop-bought cards!

When I went slap-happy with the paint, I didn't do every page. This is one of the ones I left, and I just trimmed some paper to make a border top and bottom, and added one of the toppers I've used on Gran's cards. I don't think I need to worry about not having enough to write!

Catching up

How many years does it take before something becomes a tradition?

I first did Journal Your Christmas in 2007, and it's strange to look at all the changes in my life since then. Last year's album is pretty special, and is currently sitting on the table beside me. Fun to flick through.

I wasn't sure if I would manage it this year. The last few weeks have been quite hectic as I prepared for my fourth (and hopefully final) bout of surgery on 1 December. The surgery went really well, and I was home much quicker than I expected to be. I now have a few weeks off work to recover, so I guess I have no excuse for not doing another Christmas journal, right?

This year I decided to do a sort-of art journal - no photos, just writing and drawing and maybe some illustrations if I felt like it. I chose a simple sketchbook, grabbed a few scraps of Christmas paper, and now I'm catching up. It feels really special to be facing the season on my way to completely full health. It's been a long time coming.

Ah, that's better

Surprisingly hard to photograph (isn't everything at 8am?)

I am 23 rows in and loving the colour combinations here. And the more I do, the more snuggly it is across my lap. Perfect.